“A lot of my ex-girlfriends would say I’ve been a rubbish boyfriend.” –
quote by Ray Fearon
Can people remain friends with their ex’s? Well, it depends on many things. How did the break-up happen? Why did things not work out? Was the decision made by only one in the relationship? Did love die? So, depending on the answers, you may or may not wish to remain friends with an ex. Take some of my own personal examples.
- For two years, I dated someone that was the complete opposite of me. We eventually got engaged. And, he was also the complete opposite of the type of man that I was normally attracted to. But, he was nice. Very nice, in the beginning. As time went on, I noticed that he was very much a womanizer. And he couldn’t keep a job, which made him grouchy, and he would take it out on me. Plus, he was married before, and she wasn’t exactly out of the picture, so I was always bitching about that. In the end, he broke-up with me. He said he needed “space”. So, we agreed to separate for three months, and if during or after those three months, someone wanted to try again, they would call the other. Well, it was almost three months before I heard from him again, but when he contacted me, I was already dating someone else. He was surprised that I was, but what did he expect? That I was going to sit around, crying for someone that wanted his space? We did not remain friends.
We weren’t friends to begin with, we were set up on a blind date by a mutual acquaintance. I think we moved too fast too. We did not take time to get to know each other, and maybe if we did, we would have realized how wrong we were for each other. And with social media now, I see that he’s been married twice, moved back to his home town of Boston, and gained about 60 pounds. No hard feelings towards him, but he’s just not someone I’d wish to remain in contact with.
2. On the opposite side, I once dated a guy that was 100 percent my type, and it was a disaster. From head to toe, he was just about perfect. The type of man that could walk around naked all day, and you would never get tired of seeing him like that. He was poor, drank a little too much, smoked too much, had a temper, and was a psycho in the bedroom. Yup, at one time in my life, he was perfect for me. Well, all good things come to a end, and our ending was awful in so many ways. I broke-up with him, and it was hard on both of us. I didn’t want to, but I knew that I had do. We were not going anywhere, and after two years of fighting and arguing, I knew it was time. I also knew that we were never going to be friends. Just the thought of seeing him with someone else wasn’t something that I thought I could deal with, and he did not want to see me with someone else either. I even found a new job because he kept calling me at work, and dropped by when he wasn’t expected. I tried to keep friends with his mom, but I was lying to myself. I didn’t want to be her friend, I just wanted to keep tabs on him, but through her. I remember, I begged her to please change her number for me, and she said that because she loved me, she would. And she did. Eventually, things got easier, and we both moved on. But there was no way we could ever be friends. Last I heard, he turned to God, gave up everything he knew before, and became a born again Christian.
There have only been two ex’s of mine that I was friends with, but those friendships soon ended. One, because he wanted to see if we could become more than just friends again, but once I made it clean that was never going to happen, he let me go. And we used to play tennis every Sunday, I missed that. I thought we were going to be friends for a long time, but he had other thoughts. The other one, we tried to be friends, but after awhile, I realized that they were just looking for someone to help them financially, and after a few times of helping out, I finally got wise and said goodbye. Both of these relationships were ones that I could have seen myself being friends with, but it wasn’t meant to be I guess.
So just because two people once loved each other at one time or another, that doesn’t guarantee that they will want or need to be in each others life once the relationship’s life has run it coarse. And when it’s a bad, bad break-up, it’s probably better to stay far away from someone, especially if they still look at you with a romantic interest.
Currently, I do have a friendship with an ex, and we’ve been trying to be friends for a few years now. It has not always been easy, but we do connect so well on levels that I have never touched with anyone else, that it’s hard to think of this person not being in my life anymore. I’m glad we have remained friends after all this time, and it’s been years since we were together. But I feel that this relationship, has been an exception to the rule.
I am not the type of woman that needs to be connected to those that I once loved. I do know people that absolutely “must” remain friends with all their ex’s. But that’s just not who I am. When something is over, it’s over, for the most part. Yes, it’s great in t.v. land. Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld once dated, broke-up, and became the best of friends. Well, I’m not Elaine. For me, 9 times out of 10, and ex is an ex, is an ex. I don’t wish them anything bad, but I also don’t need to know how they are doing, or who they are doing either.
So, can ex’s be friends? Sure. For some people, sure, why the heck not? For me, I’d rather pass, with a few exceptions. For me, letting go means letting go. I want to stay focused on the present, and on my future. Can’t go forward if hanging on to the past.